I wanna do something...

Every few months I have some grand thing that I want to do...well...this time I'd like to do this photography challenge. I saw it on someone's site and thought it was really kinda neat and fun. So...now that Tiffany showed me where my blog was, and I re-set the password....I can do something...and if you follow me, and I'm not doing this...remind me, because I probably forgot.

Envy, Pride

Sitting back thinking is something I do a lot of. Well, kinda. I think about a lot of different things all at once. This time of the year I get to think about my wonderful friends and former classmates that are graduating with their BSN.
I'm SO SO SO happy for them. I'm so very excited for them to start on the grand adventure of working in their chosen fields.
At the same time I'm irritated.
That with the experience that I have, living here in Hawaii, it means nothing. I am 'just another new nurse' and will not be allowed to work as an RN in Hawaii until I have 1-2 years of RN experience.
I am a military wife that got to move to another state after graduating AGAIN.
2 more strikes against me.
Not from here, not going to stay here.

It's ok...I know the right job will come along. The one that is perfect for me. The opportunity will present itself...
yeah yeah
all that happy fluffy shit we tell each other and ourselves when crap doesn't work the way we intended for it to work.

I hope I get the job that I interviewed for. I really do enjoy working as an RT. Sometimes much more than working as a nurse. Well...nursing student I should say, as I've never had the opportunity to actually work as an RN.
Not looking for words of support or pity...just frustrated, envious and probably was too prideful. I guess I'll get my humble on now.

5 Days!

So saying that I could do anything for 5 days was so beyond wrong. LOL I like fruit and veggies and bread and chocolate and jellybeans WAYYY too much to deprive myself for 5 WHOLE days!!!
It's like a forever sentance.
Actually I forgot I was doing the diet, till I had my diet pepsi in one hand and a hand full of jelly beans in the other, right after I'd eaten a strawberry.
Oh well...
increase my protein, decrease my fats, read the book and get something out of it.

It'll work out...eventually. Hey..I'll be skinny when I'm dead and gone right? Or if I get really sick and linger for a while. haha With my luck I'd be pumped full of steroids and get fatter. Oh well...I'll keep plugging away. joy joy

Action comes with Change

How you feel about food or how you don't feel about food doesn't matter. I have done every diet from here to the moon. I have lost and gained the SAME 100lbs for TOO many years now. I've watched as diets were studied and criticized. I've listened to so many skinny bitches tell me that I just am not using control as I place morsels into my mouth.
So...screw you skinny bitch.
I'm trying something new. I'm going to make something work for me..why, because I'm freaking fed up with the whole make a diet from this HUGE MASSIVE amount of food.
Yeah, that's like putting a month's worth of heroin infront of an addict and saying, ration. screw off, it doesn't work.

So...I'm starting the Attack Phase
1. lean meats, beef, veal, buffalo and venison, pork and lamb.
I can do these.
2. organ meets...don't think I'll eat from this one
3. fish, no restriction or limitation...just don't use oil or fatty sauce.
4. shellfish, shrimp, crayfish, crab, lobster, scallops, clams, oysters, mussels, squid and octopus.
5. poultry, all except flat billed birds. chicken except the skin and outside part of wings. Turkey, cornish hens and quail.
6. low fat ham, smoked turkey and chicken, dried beef. not sure about this
7. eggs, hard boiled, poached, omelet...without butter or oil.
8. vegetable proteins, tofu, tempeh, seitan, soy, textured soy, soy yogurt.
9. nonfat dairy products, however limit aspartame or spenda and enriched with fruit pulp. THIS will be HARD...I don't like the yogurts that aren't those. LOL
10. 1 1/2 quarts of water each and every single day
11. 1 1/2 tablespoons oat bran

There are lots of extras, most are spices to assist with the prep of food.

all oil is forbidden, except in the smallest quantities for greasing a fry pan. Recomendation for cooking is on the grill.
Anything not mentioned is NOT allowed.
like my Diet Pepsi. PoUt!

eat as often as you like
never skip meals
drink when you eat
don't run out of the foods you need
before you eat, is that on your list?
eat breakfast
be careful of eating out

5 days...do this for FIVE days. FIVE DAYS.
"When the goal is to lose over 40 pounds, when motivation is really intense, or when previous experience with other diets has always resulted in teh lost weight being regained, this phase may last 7 days or even as long as 10 days."
However doing an attack this long should be followed only by a physician consultation and you must promise to drink enough fluids throught then ENTIRE thing.
I'm going to aim for days. I'm what some would call a carb queen. I do have my Mochi balls in the freezer...and for breakfast I ate some tortillia chips and guac....so I'm already thrown off a touch. It'll be ok though. No one is perfect. hahaha...

Ok...here I go, walking down the path to a body I can stand to see in a reflection.

AND for those of you that have followed my depressive rants...5-HTP is awesome. Either that or I'm inbetween moodiness...we shall see in a couple weeks.

Action Today

"On with the dance, let joy be unconfined is my motto, whether there's any dance to dance or any joy to unconfine." Mark Twain

- Put on some music and dance like you are a young child. Do this for 2 minues!

- After you dance your heart out sit down and write for 3 minutes, don't pause, don't check your spelling, or grammar and just flow. Your topic; What brings me joy?

- Now read what you have written.

- For 3 minutes write a description of the dance that would best demonstrate that joy. Be detailed, describe the physical movement of the dance. How do you move in this world to express joy?

- Now for 2 minutes, your topic; What keeps me from dancing that dance?

Fully Bonded

As an adoptive parent I often wonder if I'll be able to provide my adopted child with the same quality and perhaps caliber of love that my biological children. I know that I love her, I guess I am scientific enough that I want a number, a statistic...something that I can measure and say, see I do!
That can't happen though. Well, not unless I get very scientific and use all the things I learned in my research class that I had in Nursing school. haha, NOT.
So...with those things in the back of my head...a lot of my day...I was pondering the labor and delivery stories of my children a couple days ago.
I was thinking how my oldest...it was horrible, and was followed by a c-section. My youngest son, it was early, he was so small, he was a VBAC. My oldest daughter, hurt like hell, but I watched her come out in the mirror thanks to my darling friend that let the midwife know that might help. My middle daughter, it was ok, hurt really bad, got the nurses running when I wouldn't stop pushing just because the doc was doing a section. I told the nurse she was an L&D nurse and she could do just fine. haha..anyway after she was born, my body didn't do well. I was very sick. I was told that if I wanted to raise my own children that I probably shouldn't have any more. That broke my heart.
So..that brings me to my youngest daughter. I was sitting there thinking about her labor and delivery...and ohh wait, that's right...we got her when she was less than a month old. I wasn't there when she was born.
haha..had to laugh at myself there!
She feels like my child...which I guess means that I can stop trying to measure and adjust and quantify the love ratios. The love is evenly spread out.

Now if I could just help people understand what I just went through. It IS possible to love another persons child as much as your own. SO much infact that you can actually forget that you didn't give birth to them.

I am also mostly stopping telling people that our youngest child is adopted. I will save that fact for when it is necessary. As much of a advocate for adoption and foster parenting....I'm going to let my sweet toddler avoid as much labeling as I can. There is such a gray area between being an advocate for adoption and allowing my little girl to grow up feeling like a complete part of a family.

Pulling me up by my Boot Straps

Fighting for life...from being lost in a sea of depression I've been searching for something to focus on other than my own self pity and misery. I'm not in a place where I can serve others with more than just my kind words and thoughts...I really feel like I need to focus on some self improvement and get some kinks worked out in my mind before I can move on.

I have watched the movie Julie and Julia and just can't get that idea out of my head. To blog about cooking would be wonderful, I however have 2, sometimes 3 picky eaters, and often have 2-3 days per week in which I am too lost in my own emotions to focus on cooking. sad state of affairs huh!

I keep having a nagging feeling, one of those thoughts in the back of my mind that has told me, just keep searching, you'll find what to do. So..I'm looking at the books tonight at Costco and I see this book 'life is a verb' by Patti Digh.

I read just a bit of the back of the book, and it hit me on so many levels. My heart aches on so many levels...I don't want it to, and I want to feel good again....be me again...I see on the back of this book...some helpful ideas, and as I flipped through the book I see some gentle reminders, as well as tasks to help me get there.

- Say Yes
- Be Generous
-Speak Up
- Love More
- Trust Yourself
- Slow Down

Patricia Ryan Madson says this is the last self-help book you will ever need or want to read.

I've sunk to the lowly depths of self help books...it'll be ok...there is fight in me yet. I'm going to get through this crappy part...because that's what I do.
Here I go...time to start.