Pulling me up by my Boot Straps

Fighting for life...from being lost in a sea of depression I've been searching for something to focus on other than my own self pity and misery. I'm not in a place where I can serve others with more than just my kind words and thoughts...I really feel like I need to focus on some self improvement and get some kinks worked out in my mind before I can move on.

I have watched the movie Julie and Julia and just can't get that idea out of my head. To blog about cooking would be wonderful, I however have 2, sometimes 3 picky eaters, and often have 2-3 days per week in which I am too lost in my own emotions to focus on cooking. sad state of affairs huh!

I keep having a nagging feeling, one of those thoughts in the back of my mind that has told me, just keep searching, you'll find what to do. So..I'm looking at the books tonight at Costco and I see this book 'life is a verb' by Patti Digh.

I read just a bit of the back of the book, and it hit me on so many levels. My heart aches on so many levels...I don't want it to, and I want to feel good again....be me again...I see on the back of this book...some helpful ideas, and as I flipped through the book I see some gentle reminders, as well as tasks to help me get there.

- Say Yes
- Be Generous
-Speak Up
- Love More
- Trust Yourself
- Slow Down

Patricia Ryan Madson says this is the last self-help book you will ever need or want to read.

I've sunk to the lowly depths of self help books...it'll be ok...there is fight in me yet. I'm going to get through this crappy part...because that's what I do.
Here I go...time to start.

Life is short.

Just when I have maxed out pity party points I am reminded to live.



For those of you who don't think I'm trying...I am. I'm struggling and being vocal about it, which is something I've never done before.

Oh F-bomb off

The glorious Trump can drop 400 Fbombs in a speech...let's see how good i can do...

Today yet another F-ing company told me what I've been hearing.

They are so sorry, and feel so bad, but they cannot hire me as a new-grad RN because I have no experience.

They also cannot hire me as a RT because I have not worked at all in the past 6 months.

WTF did I even go and pay for a degree for, to better myself, to help my family?

I didn't help shit. The ONLY thing I did was cause my family to be further in debt. I f-ing hate living in this f-ing state. Living where my children are unhappy, there is NO work, and everything is so f-ing expensive.

FML!

Chocolate Bliss

I truly believe that chocolate was discovered and perfected just for me. My need for this amazing substance is met in various ways. I am always trying different versions of chocolate yumminess always searching for the newest snack.

Since living in Hawaii I've seen this product in stores. It's rather expensive, about $8 at Safeway. So I've put off trying it, even though it says right on the BOX chocolate.

Someone many recommend purchasing this at the commissary, which would be a grand idea, however I don't think I want to eat all 6 balls in the car on the way home...oh wait...no I just can't do that to my delicate little figure.

In one little ball, 100 calories, 3.5g fat, 10,mg cholesterol, 25mg sodium, 20g carbohydrate, 14g sugars, 2g protein. Each Mochi is 2fl oz.

SO, it's really a high protein snack!!

Ok...maybe not...it's a high sugar snack. LOL

Well I should have taken a picture of a bitten one...but alas, I'll have to purchase more for that. For those of you that don't have the pleasure of trying this yumminess; the outside is some kind of almost gummy rice flower that is thick but not too thick. Inside is very tasty chocolate ice cream, and it says brownie fudge bits, but I didn't notice any.
This snack is what I refer to as WAY too good for children.

It is my hope that everyone gets to have their taste buds rocked with this delightful discovery.

Unfortunately for you it won't be me that shares.

Privatization

It was recommended to me to make my blog private because of what our family went through a few months back.
Some Info...
As a foster parent I was seen as the enemy to the biological mother. She took my skill at being a mother and took this as a direct threat to her. At one point she insisted that we become facebook friends. I had a different facebook account that I did this with. Not once did she ever write to me. Instead she took my little things I had said and printed them out...she did this at the advice of the Case Manager working for the boys that were in my care. They printed off everything that was said. They took these papers to court, to have a special hearing presenting what I had said to show how good of a parent she was.
I'm not exactly sure how that related...but apparently it was good enough to delay a permanency hearing.
During this time the Case Manager was in contact with our family worker and told her that I had said things that were bad for foster parents to say.

Here is an example:

What did I do to make you hate me so badly? was it when I went to classes, readied my home and became a licensed Foster Home? was it when I was asked to bring a child in need into my home? Was it when that child needed a loving hug, a lap to sit in, a nice warm meal? Was it when I talked with the child and explained to that child that mommy and daddy love them very much and they will hopefully get to see them soon?
did you start to hate me when I took your child to the doctor office, dentist? or did your hate wait until I figure out what foods your child likes to eat? Perhaps your complete disgust for the foster parent of your child started when you looked in the mirror and realized you were not prepared to offer that child what has taken me nearly 17 years to learn.
Do not hate me, because it's ME your FOSTER PARENT that is happy when you make progress and enjoys it when the child gets to see you. It is ME that loves that child, AND you. You made the child, a beautiful happy child full of life waiting to explore the universe.
Let us love this child together, allowing the bonds that have been created not to be ripped from your child. Don't allow your pride to ruin more than it already has.

This was NOT directed at the biological mother, it was my status. She was not my only friend. There were other foster parents, biological parents as friends. ALSO I had some foster children as friends. No one ever posted to my account. No one ever messaged me. No communication was ever followed up on as planned, not by me, but by her, the biological mother.

Despite all of the evil things she said about my family, did to my family...I still pray for her. I always will.

After adopting our youngest, also through fostercare...I had hoped to be closer to what was left of her biological family. Unfortunately that wasn't meant to be. Perhaps some day, as she grows, we will find some type of communication that will work. This way our sweet Abby doesn't loose a very important part of her history.

Peek-A-Boo!!!

Abby loves to play this game. Usually it can pull her out of any sour, foul, grouchy mood. At this point she was still pretty happy. We were just getting started coloring our Easter eggs.

I love this!! She's yelling BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Cortisol...leave me alone

Stress = increased levels of cortisol. Right? This is new buzz words on how we, some of the lucky ones, deal with issues.

So go ahead, finish up nursing school while doing foster care for 3 busy young children, continue to raise your other 4 children, help your mom with a negative reaction to a medication, and why holding it all together kiss your honey goodby because the Army is going to train him in another state. Ask for help? Oh yeah, NOT. Could my kids be good for someone else? Does anyone need to see the mess your house, your car, your life has become? NOPE! Can you tell your stress from foster care to anyone, not really. Nursing school turned into my oasis. No matter how at peace I felt during class or clinical I still felt like I was on a 2 year episode of Survivor. Each week I would have a test or a paper in a various class, and as I passed them I would be able to exhale.
Tighter and tighter wound my nerves. Tighter....it makes me think of a fishing reel being reeled in. Around and around the line goes, each layer pushing down on the one under it. There isn't an end really, there is just more line. Can you tell anyone really what's going on with your kids, nope...too embarrassing. No one really honestly wants to hear the things the oldest is doing...and to say it out loud would ensure feelings of failure. I am of coarse, attempting to be strong.

In an effort to help I was lucky to have my physician prescribe scribe me medication that helped with the weight. It helped SO much! Finally, I began to feel like a woman again. Not some big fat round blob of flesh. The medication, unfortunately can only be taken for several months, and my time ended in December. The med did help though...and I really was doing good. I was on a good path...everything was looking good.

I was going to graduate, move to Hawaii and get a new start. Hawaii! Nothings better than that, right.

wrong

I came here with such a positive outlook. I was moving to paradise. I wasn't going to be cold for 3-4 years. It was going to be AmAzInG!

Until we got here.

We stayed in an interesting, very uncomfortable hotel...without a kitchen, without a car. No worries...we made it work.

We ended up being able to borrow a car and managed to find a home to rent in a gorgeous neighborhood, with excellent schools.

The commute would be longer than we wanted, rent higher than we wanted...no fence, not really much of a yard. No worries, we will make it work.

Nursing License from Hawaii...waiting waiting waiting. Oh, the application was never sent. Sent that in..not going to worry about not getting the job until I have the license.

I get the licence. OK..moved the not going to worry about the joblessness until after I have the dogs.

I go get the dogs. Ok...moved the not going to worry until after my PALS and ACLS classes. I have them now...still no job.

I follow up on my applications, I am told 'Don't call us, we'll call you.' or 'Our census numbers are really low, we're not interviewing.' or 'You do not have the required 1-2 years acute care RN experience.' or 'Your application doesn't meet our needs.'

I'm not even going to begin to think about the bills for student loans that will start rolling in soon. I have managed to put off the Unemployment that I was paid, sued over and now owe back to the lovely state of Kansas.

Now I am in a state that is beautiful...I really am trying to enjoy it here. I really really am. And yet, when I went to Costco and they didn't have green beans I really did cry.

My kids are in excellent schools...but could the middle school and high school manage to actually send for the records from the KS schools? no...they can't reach them. They don't make those phone calls until after noon. I try to explain that KS is 5 hours ahead...the high school doesn't have voicemail...the high school here cannot understand that and insists that I'm not giving them the correct phone number. Oh that's right..I lie.

Moving on to my beautiful children. The oldest hates it here. He wants to go home, apparently KS is home to him. The youngest is showing delay after delay as she grows into her beautiful self. The middle schooler wants to home school, then doesn't, then does. The two in grade school miss their friends so very much and aren't able to find friends nearly as cool. I really do feel sorry for my 7yo, she had the absolute best friends in KS. Good girls, with excellent parents. You can't ask for better than that...and we had to leave it.

What is good about me not working? I have been able to provide taxi service to the multiple doctor appointments that each of my children has had. I have had no limit on when I can shop, where we can visit. Other than financial...we are free to come and go as we please. Don't get me wrong, that is a huge thing. It is hard to move to a new state and try to settle while trying to unpack, and acclimate and all that other stuff that comes with moving to a new area. And here we are, in PARADISE and we can come and go as we wish.

So why am I stressed? Because I want it all. Simple as that. I want a good life, good job, good home, good good good. I want my things organized. I want to exercise. I want my kids to be happy, healthy and smart. want want want want

All of my wanting leads me to a heavy heart and hunger in my belly. It's ok to not eat until my stomach is growling..but if I put it off long enough, it will growl. Not because I'm hungry..but because my mind gets involved and takes over.

It's probably time to get in and see what can be done or prescribed to help. It's really not healthy to be stressed and then add to that depressed. LOL Infact..that combination makes me laugh. avoid avoid avoid! LOL