Pulling me up by my Boot Straps

Fighting for life...from being lost in a sea of depression I've been searching for something to focus on other than my own self pity and misery. I'm not in a place where I can serve others with more than just my kind words and thoughts...I really feel like I need to focus on some self improvement and get some kinks worked out in my mind before I can move on.

I have watched the movie Julie and Julia and just can't get that idea out of my head. To blog about cooking would be wonderful, I however have 2, sometimes 3 picky eaters, and often have 2-3 days per week in which I am too lost in my own emotions to focus on cooking. sad state of affairs huh!

I keep having a nagging feeling, one of those thoughts in the back of my mind that has told me, just keep searching, you'll find what to do. So..I'm looking at the books tonight at Costco and I see this book 'life is a verb' by Patti Digh.

I read just a bit of the back of the book, and it hit me on so many levels. My heart aches on so many levels...I don't want it to, and I want to feel good again....be me again...I see on the back of this book...some helpful ideas, and as I flipped through the book I see some gentle reminders, as well as tasks to help me get there.

- Say Yes
- Be Generous
-Speak Up
- Love More
- Trust Yourself
- Slow Down

Patricia Ryan Madson says this is the last self-help book you will ever need or want to read.

I've sunk to the lowly depths of self help books...it'll be ok...there is fight in me yet. I'm going to get through this crappy part...because that's what I do.
Here I go...time to start.

Life is short.

Just when I have maxed out pity party points I am reminded to live.



For those of you who don't think I'm trying...I am. I'm struggling and being vocal about it, which is something I've never done before.

Oh F-bomb off

The glorious Trump can drop 400 Fbombs in a speech...let's see how good i can do...

Today yet another F-ing company told me what I've been hearing.

They are so sorry, and feel so bad, but they cannot hire me as a new-grad RN because I have no experience.

They also cannot hire me as a RT because I have not worked at all in the past 6 months.

WTF did I even go and pay for a degree for, to better myself, to help my family?

I didn't help shit. The ONLY thing I did was cause my family to be further in debt. I f-ing hate living in this f-ing state. Living where my children are unhappy, there is NO work, and everything is so f-ing expensive.

FML!

Chocolate Bliss

I truly believe that chocolate was discovered and perfected just for me. My need for this amazing substance is met in various ways. I am always trying different versions of chocolate yumminess always searching for the newest snack.

Since living in Hawaii I've seen this product in stores. It's rather expensive, about $8 at Safeway. So I've put off trying it, even though it says right on the BOX chocolate.

Someone many recommend purchasing this at the commissary, which would be a grand idea, however I don't think I want to eat all 6 balls in the car on the way home...oh wait...no I just can't do that to my delicate little figure.

In one little ball, 100 calories, 3.5g fat, 10,mg cholesterol, 25mg sodium, 20g carbohydrate, 14g sugars, 2g protein. Each Mochi is 2fl oz.

SO, it's really a high protein snack!!

Ok...maybe not...it's a high sugar snack. LOL

Well I should have taken a picture of a bitten one...but alas, I'll have to purchase more for that. For those of you that don't have the pleasure of trying this yumminess; the outside is some kind of almost gummy rice flower that is thick but not too thick. Inside is very tasty chocolate ice cream, and it says brownie fudge bits, but I didn't notice any.
This snack is what I refer to as WAY too good for children.

It is my hope that everyone gets to have their taste buds rocked with this delightful discovery.

Unfortunately for you it won't be me that shares.

Privatization

It was recommended to me to make my blog private because of what our family went through a few months back.
Some Info...
As a foster parent I was seen as the enemy to the biological mother. She took my skill at being a mother and took this as a direct threat to her. At one point she insisted that we become facebook friends. I had a different facebook account that I did this with. Not once did she ever write to me. Instead she took my little things I had said and printed them out...she did this at the advice of the Case Manager working for the boys that were in my care. They printed off everything that was said. They took these papers to court, to have a special hearing presenting what I had said to show how good of a parent she was.
I'm not exactly sure how that related...but apparently it was good enough to delay a permanency hearing.
During this time the Case Manager was in contact with our family worker and told her that I had said things that were bad for foster parents to say.

Here is an example:

What did I do to make you hate me so badly? was it when I went to classes, readied my home and became a licensed Foster Home? was it when I was asked to bring a child in need into my home? Was it when that child needed a loving hug, a lap to sit in, a nice warm meal? Was it when I talked with the child and explained to that child that mommy and daddy love them very much and they will hopefully get to see them soon?
did you start to hate me when I took your child to the doctor office, dentist? or did your hate wait until I figure out what foods your child likes to eat? Perhaps your complete disgust for the foster parent of your child started when you looked in the mirror and realized you were not prepared to offer that child what has taken me nearly 17 years to learn.
Do not hate me, because it's ME your FOSTER PARENT that is happy when you make progress and enjoys it when the child gets to see you. It is ME that loves that child, AND you. You made the child, a beautiful happy child full of life waiting to explore the universe.
Let us love this child together, allowing the bonds that have been created not to be ripped from your child. Don't allow your pride to ruin more than it already has.

This was NOT directed at the biological mother, it was my status. She was not my only friend. There were other foster parents, biological parents as friends. ALSO I had some foster children as friends. No one ever posted to my account. No one ever messaged me. No communication was ever followed up on as planned, not by me, but by her, the biological mother.

Despite all of the evil things she said about my family, did to my family...I still pray for her. I always will.

After adopting our youngest, also through fostercare...I had hoped to be closer to what was left of her biological family. Unfortunately that wasn't meant to be. Perhaps some day, as she grows, we will find some type of communication that will work. This way our sweet Abby doesn't loose a very important part of her history.

Peek-A-Boo!!!

Abby loves to play this game. Usually it can pull her out of any sour, foul, grouchy mood. At this point she was still pretty happy. We were just getting started coloring our Easter eggs.

I love this!! She's yelling BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Cortisol...leave me alone

Stress = increased levels of cortisol. Right? This is new buzz words on how we, some of the lucky ones, deal with issues.

So go ahead, finish up nursing school while doing foster care for 3 busy young children, continue to raise your other 4 children, help your mom with a negative reaction to a medication, and why holding it all together kiss your honey goodby because the Army is going to train him in another state. Ask for help? Oh yeah, NOT. Could my kids be good for someone else? Does anyone need to see the mess your house, your car, your life has become? NOPE! Can you tell your stress from foster care to anyone, not really. Nursing school turned into my oasis. No matter how at peace I felt during class or clinical I still felt like I was on a 2 year episode of Survivor. Each week I would have a test or a paper in a various class, and as I passed them I would be able to exhale.
Tighter and tighter wound my nerves. Tighter....it makes me think of a fishing reel being reeled in. Around and around the line goes, each layer pushing down on the one under it. There isn't an end really, there is just more line. Can you tell anyone really what's going on with your kids, nope...too embarrassing. No one really honestly wants to hear the things the oldest is doing...and to say it out loud would ensure feelings of failure. I am of coarse, attempting to be strong.

In an effort to help I was lucky to have my physician prescribe scribe me medication that helped with the weight. It helped SO much! Finally, I began to feel like a woman again. Not some big fat round blob of flesh. The medication, unfortunately can only be taken for several months, and my time ended in December. The med did help though...and I really was doing good. I was on a good path...everything was looking good.

I was going to graduate, move to Hawaii and get a new start. Hawaii! Nothings better than that, right.

wrong

I came here with such a positive outlook. I was moving to paradise. I wasn't going to be cold for 3-4 years. It was going to be AmAzInG!

Until we got here.

We stayed in an interesting, very uncomfortable hotel...without a kitchen, without a car. No worries...we made it work.

We ended up being able to borrow a car and managed to find a home to rent in a gorgeous neighborhood, with excellent schools.

The commute would be longer than we wanted, rent higher than we wanted...no fence, not really much of a yard. No worries, we will make it work.

Nursing License from Hawaii...waiting waiting waiting. Oh, the application was never sent. Sent that in..not going to worry about not getting the job until I have the license.

I get the licence. OK..moved the not going to worry about the joblessness until after I have the dogs.

I go get the dogs. Ok...moved the not going to worry until after my PALS and ACLS classes. I have them now...still no job.

I follow up on my applications, I am told 'Don't call us, we'll call you.' or 'Our census numbers are really low, we're not interviewing.' or 'You do not have the required 1-2 years acute care RN experience.' or 'Your application doesn't meet our needs.'

I'm not even going to begin to think about the bills for student loans that will start rolling in soon. I have managed to put off the Unemployment that I was paid, sued over and now owe back to the lovely state of Kansas.

Now I am in a state that is beautiful...I really am trying to enjoy it here. I really really am. And yet, when I went to Costco and they didn't have green beans I really did cry.

My kids are in excellent schools...but could the middle school and high school manage to actually send for the records from the KS schools? no...they can't reach them. They don't make those phone calls until after noon. I try to explain that KS is 5 hours ahead...the high school doesn't have voicemail...the high school here cannot understand that and insists that I'm not giving them the correct phone number. Oh that's right..I lie.

Moving on to my beautiful children. The oldest hates it here. He wants to go home, apparently KS is home to him. The youngest is showing delay after delay as she grows into her beautiful self. The middle schooler wants to home school, then doesn't, then does. The two in grade school miss their friends so very much and aren't able to find friends nearly as cool. I really do feel sorry for my 7yo, she had the absolute best friends in KS. Good girls, with excellent parents. You can't ask for better than that...and we had to leave it.

What is good about me not working? I have been able to provide taxi service to the multiple doctor appointments that each of my children has had. I have had no limit on when I can shop, where we can visit. Other than financial...we are free to come and go as we please. Don't get me wrong, that is a huge thing. It is hard to move to a new state and try to settle while trying to unpack, and acclimate and all that other stuff that comes with moving to a new area. And here we are, in PARADISE and we can come and go as we wish.

So why am I stressed? Because I want it all. Simple as that. I want a good life, good job, good home, good good good. I want my things organized. I want to exercise. I want my kids to be happy, healthy and smart. want want want want

All of my wanting leads me to a heavy heart and hunger in my belly. It's ok to not eat until my stomach is growling..but if I put it off long enough, it will growl. Not because I'm hungry..but because my mind gets involved and takes over.

It's probably time to get in and see what can be done or prescribed to help. It's really not healthy to be stressed and then add to that depressed. LOL Infact..that combination makes me laugh. avoid avoid avoid! LOL

Walking Dogs

Dogs should be walked more than once per day...that's all I'm going to say on that.

Some things should just be private...

Leaving from my home to go to the gym I drove by our neighborhood park. Parked right on the streed, infront of a park, which by the way had kids playing...was a car. What caught my eye was the teen age girl facing backwards in the passenger seat. Then I noticed she was getting a washcloth out of her bag in the back seat. Then I noticed that there was a young man under her.
Seriously..It was about 830am, bright light, a very public street.
gaggedness

A typical Tuesday evening...

Every night usually starts with the same things...the kids get home from school, and home work needs done. No, I guess that isn't exactly evening, since it's not quite 2pm....but my body is typically at the height of exhaustion at this point in the day. Yesterday was no different.
Kids came home from school and didn't want to do homework or read. They didn't want to get the laundry put away that was folded for them, clean up their rooms, the yard, nothing...They think they just come home and then go play..ugh! Well both girls came home depressed because for what ever reason the neighbor kids couldn't play.
We muddled through the homework. The laundry remains as stacked fortresses in my living room.
Dinner time came and it was delish. Frozen ravioli, marinara and green beans. I managed to cook the ravioli correctly this time, which totally added to the meal.
During dinner, I don't know what we were talking about but my 7yo says I have nipples and pulls up her shirt...I about peed my pants! Hopefully she remembers I told her not to do that again, not my reaction...when thinking if she should do that again.
About 4pm I remember that we have Scouts on Tuesdays now. I loathe Scouts. Yet I am an assistant Cub Scout Den Leader. This is the dumbest thing in history to do. I stand there, and occasionally ask a boy to do something, am totally ignored and laughed at. I don't know what the leader has planned to do and often think she just makes it up as we go along. With 6 VERY hyper boys, this just isn't working. She's frustrated, they're frustrated...and I'm bored!
We worked on physical fitness. Played a little soccer, volleyball and tossed a tennis ball around. At one point the boys were throwing the tennis ball so hard at the walls I'm surprised that the ball didn't go through.
Scouts ended...Praise to God!!! I don't get why people just dump their kids. At one point we had probably 6 kids in our activity that weren't supposed to be there. One girl gets dropped off every week for Activity Days...they only meet 2 times per month. Odd.
The night ended with my smallest dog getting chomped on by a neighbor dog. Luckily it was more of a 'hello' chomp than a 'die now' chomp. She was a little sore. I held her with an ice pack for a few hours and she's good as new today.

Today's amusements

Well, it started out well. I managed to get my walk in.

So picture this...I'll have to get my mom to take the picture...for now, use your minds. I've got the jogging stroller with the baby, on the left is the German Shorthaired Pointer, the right is the Brittany and in my hand is the leash for the Schnoodle. (the big dogs get their leashes tied on the stroller handle) I try my usual jog, which probably isn't really a jog but more of a quick foot shuffle in a forward direction. I get a little over 5 on my jogger app, so you tell me. (rambling, I know, but you were warned previously)

If you know these breeds, you might have already guessed what happens next. I'm jogging along...and as my heart rate reaches it's max...I realize that I kind of feel like I'm on a treadmil. Why is this, why am I going so fast, still...I want to stop...but the SLED DOGS have been mushed, and they now spy a bird. With everything in me, I pant out 'StOp'. Which, probably sound more like 'Suhh'. The rest of my 2 mile adventure didn't get so fast, a huge disappointment to the dogs.

I lived through the experience. The dogs did also.

Now, it's time to run off to take my pre-assessment test for a job at a Honolulu hospital corporation. I'm running on such good time that I'm going to be early. Well, until I pull into the parking garage. It's all reserved for people who own the spot. Ok..really, we have to buy parking garage spots in the stupid building? And if so, why not just pull forward for someone like me, who just needs to park for about an hour. I was shoo'd to another entrance where I saw this hanging bar that said 'max height 6'3".' I drive a suburban. I have no concept of how high something is that I am in. My rails and the hanging bar meet, became close, and after much encouragement departed ways. So, imagine me in my football field in the ramp of a parking structure. Do I turn around? Do I just step on the gas and hope my car sinks down like in those fancy car commercials and goes under everything? Do I back out?
I called my husband and screamed at the poor man. It was his fault of coarse. That I am stuck driving the biggest car in freaking history. Ok, so it's not, but when you are downtown Honolulu, it really is.

I chanced it, and backed out. I lived. It was ok. Well, this was after I attempted a turn around. I got most of the way around when I realized that if I kept going I'd be stuck horizontally in the garage and would need to pay a professional driver to remove the stupid car.
It took about 20 min, but I did manage to find a parking structure that had higher restrictions. This one didn't have wiggling bars though...the look of pure fear on my face encouraged the security guard to wave me in, it was ok.

Wow, it was tight. My antenna hit almost every cement beam and light. Twang, twang, twang...as I'm going ohhh my, ohhh my... Lewis probably wouldn't like it if I peeled off the top of the car. I don't know..maybe I could invent the convertible suburban?

Well, got to where I needed to go, took my test, passed it. Apologized to probably the most forgiving man ever...and thought about buying some form of beer for my drive home. Well, yeah, that would be stupid so I didn't.

Well, here I sit, at night noon, trying to remember the last few stupid things that I did...but I'm at a loss. I'm tired which causes mind fragility I guess.

What I'm taking away from the day....No matter how much I want it to be, everything isn't Lew's fault. The dogs would do fine in Alaska if Lew took up racing in the Iditarod, and they may even win. Also..that I am good at my job, which is totally why I passed that test.

My favorite part of today was going shopping with my mom, my 10yo and my nearly 2yo. Three stores in 2 hours. Good Times. :)

Lessons learned...three stores is too many for baby girl. She was done after one.

Opening Statement

It has been a long time since I have sat and written my feelings, thoughts, actions and passions out onto this computer screen. A lot has changed, a lot remains the same...life is full. We have moved to Hawaii from Kansas. It was a hard, rough, amazing move. All of us have struggled moving here. Traffic, culture, time, people...everything is so different. The differences that we prepared for weren't hard at all...the things that hit us, or me, hard couldn't even have been expected. I guess it was in junior high that I started to capitolize on being blonde. I wasn't of coarse, naturally blonde, but really, not many people are. I have lived my life with such an amazing abilility to do a lot and yet pay attention to very little. In high school was when I realized there would be life outside of hell. I realized that again in nursing school. I graduated with my BSN in December 2010. Lucky me got to move to Hawaii. Lucky me talked her husband into renting a home off post, and higher than the BAH. Yeah, that's right. We upscaled. Why? Because I'm a BSN, I'll get licensed and get a job...easy peasy. Boy was I ever wrong. I moved to paradise just in time for 200 other people to have graduated nursing school. I moved just in time for every hospital on Oahu to close their doors to all new nurses. I also, moved just in time to see gas prices jump to well over $4 per gallon. My blog will rant, vent, complain and whine. My blog will explore ideas that might make some people uncomfortable. My blog will glorify in my delights, in successes and in joy. Most of all, it will probably be totally random. Make sense only if you are critially sleep deprived, and above all things, hopefully make you laugh. If you get tears when you laugh at me...well, just remember to give me some feed back. If I bore you to tears, too damn bad. It's my blog.