Cortisol...leave me alone

Stress = increased levels of cortisol. Right? This is new buzz words on how we, some of the lucky ones, deal with issues.

So go ahead, finish up nursing school while doing foster care for 3 busy young children, continue to raise your other 4 children, help your mom with a negative reaction to a medication, and why holding it all together kiss your honey goodby because the Army is going to train him in another state. Ask for help? Oh yeah, NOT. Could my kids be good for someone else? Does anyone need to see the mess your house, your car, your life has become? NOPE! Can you tell your stress from foster care to anyone, not really. Nursing school turned into my oasis. No matter how at peace I felt during class or clinical I still felt like I was on a 2 year episode of Survivor. Each week I would have a test or a paper in a various class, and as I passed them I would be able to exhale.
Tighter and tighter wound my nerves. Tighter....it makes me think of a fishing reel being reeled in. Around and around the line goes, each layer pushing down on the one under it. There isn't an end really, there is just more line. Can you tell anyone really what's going on with your kids, nope...too embarrassing. No one really honestly wants to hear the things the oldest is doing...and to say it out loud would ensure feelings of failure. I am of coarse, attempting to be strong.

In an effort to help I was lucky to have my physician prescribe scribe me medication that helped with the weight. It helped SO much! Finally, I began to feel like a woman again. Not some big fat round blob of flesh. The medication, unfortunately can only be taken for several months, and my time ended in December. The med did help though...and I really was doing good. I was on a good path...everything was looking good.

I was going to graduate, move to Hawaii and get a new start. Hawaii! Nothings better than that, right.

wrong

I came here with such a positive outlook. I was moving to paradise. I wasn't going to be cold for 3-4 years. It was going to be AmAzInG!

Until we got here.

We stayed in an interesting, very uncomfortable hotel...without a kitchen, without a car. No worries...we made it work.

We ended up being able to borrow a car and managed to find a home to rent in a gorgeous neighborhood, with excellent schools.

The commute would be longer than we wanted, rent higher than we wanted...no fence, not really much of a yard. No worries, we will make it work.

Nursing License from Hawaii...waiting waiting waiting. Oh, the application was never sent. Sent that in..not going to worry about not getting the job until I have the license.

I get the licence. OK..moved the not going to worry about the joblessness until after I have the dogs.

I go get the dogs. Ok...moved the not going to worry until after my PALS and ACLS classes. I have them now...still no job.

I follow up on my applications, I am told 'Don't call us, we'll call you.' or 'Our census numbers are really low, we're not interviewing.' or 'You do not have the required 1-2 years acute care RN experience.' or 'Your application doesn't meet our needs.'

I'm not even going to begin to think about the bills for student loans that will start rolling in soon. I have managed to put off the Unemployment that I was paid, sued over and now owe back to the lovely state of Kansas.

Now I am in a state that is beautiful...I really am trying to enjoy it here. I really really am. And yet, when I went to Costco and they didn't have green beans I really did cry.

My kids are in excellent schools...but could the middle school and high school manage to actually send for the records from the KS schools? no...they can't reach them. They don't make those phone calls until after noon. I try to explain that KS is 5 hours ahead...the high school doesn't have voicemail...the high school here cannot understand that and insists that I'm not giving them the correct phone number. Oh that's right..I lie.

Moving on to my beautiful children. The oldest hates it here. He wants to go home, apparently KS is home to him. The youngest is showing delay after delay as she grows into her beautiful self. The middle schooler wants to home school, then doesn't, then does. The two in grade school miss their friends so very much and aren't able to find friends nearly as cool. I really do feel sorry for my 7yo, she had the absolute best friends in KS. Good girls, with excellent parents. You can't ask for better than that...and we had to leave it.

What is good about me not working? I have been able to provide taxi service to the multiple doctor appointments that each of my children has had. I have had no limit on when I can shop, where we can visit. Other than financial...we are free to come and go as we please. Don't get me wrong, that is a huge thing. It is hard to move to a new state and try to settle while trying to unpack, and acclimate and all that other stuff that comes with moving to a new area. And here we are, in PARADISE and we can come and go as we wish.

So why am I stressed? Because I want it all. Simple as that. I want a good life, good job, good home, good good good. I want my things organized. I want to exercise. I want my kids to be happy, healthy and smart. want want want want

All of my wanting leads me to a heavy heart and hunger in my belly. It's ok to not eat until my stomach is growling..but if I put it off long enough, it will growl. Not because I'm hungry..but because my mind gets involved and takes over.

It's probably time to get in and see what can be done or prescribed to help. It's really not healthy to be stressed and then add to that depressed. LOL Infact..that combination makes me laugh. avoid avoid avoid! LOL